Thursday, December 1, 2016

The Woman Who Made A Sex Tape With Von Miller Didn't Keep It To Extort Him. She Kept It To Masturbate To.

http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/football/elizabeth-ruiz-not-extorting-von-miller-sex-tape-article-1.2892747

The video where she says this is in the link.  The one right there^.


So this chick





Elizabeth Ruiz is her name, made a sex tape with Von Miller and kept it.  Initial reports were that she wasn't going to let Von have it unless he paid her $2.5million for it.  Turns out she just kept it because sex with Von Miller was so damn good she wanted to go and relive it from time to time.  So you know what?  Fuck Von Miller.  I guess not enough to be the best pass rusher in the NFL and to be one of the highest paid players ever that isn't a quarterback?  But apparently he has to be so damn good at sex that absolute dimes want to keep the tape (a tape he wanted in the first place btw)for themselves just to jackhammer themselves to because he dicked her down so well.  You can't have it all man.  I just assume all famous people are good to very good at sex unless rumored otherwise, but I didn't think anyone was "keep the tape to relive it" good.  Well apparently I was wrong.  Dude has it all on the field, crazy money, and oh, he apparently bangs the brains out of super hot girls you and I couldn't get in our wildest dreams and they just want to keep that memory for ever and ever.  And I'm sure he has a giant dick too.  Not because he's black, but  yeah, of course because he's black.  Well good for him, I'll just stick to trying my best and hoping it's not too awful.  So whenever someone tells you that you can't have it all, tell them, "fuck you Von Miller does."

PS- What if he made up the extortion story in hopes that this real truth would come out?  That would be super cocky and a move you have to respect.  Like inadvertently the biggest humble brag of all time.

PPS- What if the extortion thing was true and he made her make that video saying that's why she kept it and he's giving her the money under the table.  Not to be too woke here, but she was kinda reluctant to say "to play with myself to."  But that's actually probably because she was admitting to the entire world she kept a sex tape she's in to masturbate to which is probably pretty hard to admit.

PPPS- I just made myself hate Von Miller just by writing this blog.  Never had a problem with the guy.  Is that petty? Yeah, it probably is.  But I got noting over here, he's just being selfish.


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Wednesday, November 30, 2016

South African Goalie With Insane Game Tying Bicycle Kick In Stoppage Time


Baroka FC Goalkeeper Oscarine Masuluke scored the goal of a lifetime today.  I'm not going to pretend to be a soccer expert, I like it, but I definitely am no expert.  But this is insane.  Completely nuts.  Not only did the goalie score, he scored on a bicycle kick.  Not just any bicycle kick, but one that tied the game on what would likely have been the absolute last chance of the game.  If you're the other goalie you have to retire right?  You can't come back from that can you?  This guy did not retire, he decided to take a pic with the guy who basically did the impossible on him.



Some may call him a stand-up guy, I would say he isn't competitor.  That's fine, but personally I want someone who's over the top competitive in the net.  Someone border line psychotic.  Someone who would beat up their family for a random example totally off the top of my head.  Need that edge in the net.  Maybe it's just me.  If you want some softie who's just gonna sit back and accept the fact he cost you 3 points in the table by giving up a goal to the keeper that's fine, just don't come crying to me when the team isn't where you want it to be.


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Monday, November 28, 2016

How Sad Are The Eagles For Putting 4th & 26 On Their Jumbotron During Pregame?


For those of you who don't know what that reference means here:



So that was 12 years ago.  Today, as you saw, the jumbotron guy in Philly thought it would be HYSTERICAL to put that up.  Good one?  Got us?  Should we just give you the win now?  Nobody on either team tonight was a part of that game.  Two different head coaches, hell Aaron Rodgers was still in college!  There's a very good chance the Eagles win tonight, but that has more to do with the fact our secondary is garbage and allow 40 points a game than anything that happened in the playoffs 12 years ago.  Did you win the Super Bowl that year?  No???  Well did you even make the Super Bowl?  You didn't??  Have you ever won a Super Bowl?  You haven't?  Well congrats, Philly.  12 years ago you made a great play to win a chance to go to the Super Bowl when you were the best team in the NFC and couldn't even win that.  So in the end, it means..I guess....NOTHING.  But good burn though, good luck tonight.





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Monday, November 21, 2016

Joel Embiid Sends Devin Booker's Shot To The 35th Row. Celebrates Win Wearing His Own Jersey To The Club


My Lord.  Embiid with no regard for human life!  I know he didn't dunk on Booker, but that ball probably injured a fan in the upper bowl he sent that thing so fucking far.  That has to be the most soul-crushing moment in basketball, just seeing you shot get sent to about the 16th row in the 200 level.  Getting dunked on, or j'd, or even crossed up all suck.  But usually they fire you up, getting your shot volleyball spiked to the next town over is just flat out demoralizing.  Poor Devin Booker was having a great year, now I wouldn't be surprised if he never wants to shoot a basketball again.  But how did the big fella celebrate his block and win over Phoenix where he dropped 26 and 20?  He hit the club wearing his own jersey.  Absolute LEGEND.


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The Bucks Had An A+ Troll of Warriors Fans in Milwaukee. Or That's What I Thought Before I Found Out It's Been Done Before. A Lot.

So if you're a new reader, or you don't know me, I'm from Wisconsin but I'm not a Bucks fan.  I am a Warriors fan.  I have been since they drafted Steph Curry in 2009, because he's been my favorite player and the biggest reason I got into basketball, and the NBA, since I saw him in the 2008 NCAA Tournament.  So as a Warriors fan I am naturally subjected to any and all bandwagon fan jokes.  It's all in good fun, usually it's as a last resort because people hate my team and their good.  So before the Dubs took on my home state Bucks I saw Barstool Sports tweet this:


I'll admit, I laughed.  It was pretty good.  But then I found out it's been done before.  It's been done a lot actually.  And not just once, and it didn't even start this season.  Last season the Knicks did the same thing to Warriors fans in January.  The Bucks even took one of the jokes WORD FOR WORD



I mean I get it's a general troll question to ask Warriors fans, but c'mon.  You can't blatantly take the joke exactly word for word, that's just lazy.  But the bandwagon cam came out in 2014 (!!) when LeBron was on the Heat and they were playing the Wizards in DC.

Link if you don't believe me: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/dc-sports-bog/wp/2014/01/16/wizards-bandwagon-cam-mocks-heat-fans/

Oh, and our neighbors to the West, the Timberwolves, did the bandwagon cam to Cavs fans in 2015


Link: http://nbatitlechase.com/blog/2015/02/04/timberwolves-bandwagon-cam/

So before you go sucking Milwaukee's dick because they're so savage and it's the funniest thing ever.  It's been done before, it's still funny but it's not as funny as people want you to think.  Not that this will stop you or anyone else from forcing more 3-1 jokes or hating an incredible team that's maybe the most fun to watch ever other than maybe last year's team because they're good.  See you in June Cleveland.

PS- if you're also a Warrior fan, even a bandwagon fan, prepare to see this A LOT the rest of the year, especially since this one blew up Saturday.

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Thursday, November 17, 2016

Kate Upton Was INFURIATED With Justin Verlander Losing The Cy Young Last Night

So in case you missed this a) move out from under your rock.  And b) Justin Verlander lost the Cy Young award to Boston's Rick Porcello last night, despite having the most first place votes.  Word got back to Kate that two writers didn't even have Verlander on the ballot and THIS is what followed:



I like that last one.  Like every writer who covers the MLB is an MLB employee, I think not.  Also Rick had 8 first place votes, Verlander had 14, but 8 and zero are basically the same thing, right?  But that's not the point and neither is the fact Verlander lost, because I don't give a shit about that.  What I do give a shit about is that Kate Upton is an absolute ride or die chick and Verlander is a lucky, lucky guy.  That's what I want in a woman.  Someone who will go on an absolute RAMPAGE if she feels I was wrong.  Even if I disagree and it makes us both look bad, who cares.  If you're not prepared to fire off extremely angry tweets defending your girl, and she's not prepared to do the same then what are you doing?  She ain't the one then.

A little more for your entertainment.  Don't say I don't care.



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So How About Drake Blatantly Telling Doris Burke To Come Over On ESPN Last Night?


POWER FUCKING MOVE.  Absolute power move, and a bit aggressive/creepy telling Doris to come have dinner at his place and to come alone.  Shooters shoot man, and Drake ain't shy about letting it fly.  Me personally?  I'm not a big Doris Burke guy.  She's fine and all, just doesn't really do it for me, but the whole internet and ESPN sucks her dick constantly.  Usually when she's calling a game I'd rather she wasn't.  But hey, good for Drake.  If there's anyone who can pull fairly attractive middle aged women, it's mixed Canadian rappers named Aubrey.  And if you're wondering how it worked out?  Doris had this to say on twitter last night.


So it would appear Drake and Doris are gonna fuck.  God bless you crazy kids!


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